


the age of anxiety

by elioolivercmbyntrash



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, COVID 19, Celebrity culture, Diary, JOURNAL ENTRY, Journal, One Shot, Other, Panic Attacks, Reflection, cancel culture, timmys scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26496400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elioolivercmbyntrash/pseuds/elioolivercmbyntrash
Summary: Timmy reflects on the Dune trailer release.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	the age of anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot came from a writing prompt, asking me to write about someone you think of as almost perfect - but from their perspective, as a journal entry.  
> Title comes from the song by Jamie Cullum.
> 
> This is not factual.  
> This is my imagination.  
> I don't know Timmy at all

The _Dune_ trailer came out yesterday.

I don’t know how the hell I’m going to handle this. This is _Dune_ , for crying out loud! A sci-fi classic. The hard-core _Dune_ fans will hate me because I’m too feminine, I’m not masculine enough. I mean, I’m over generalizing because I’m assuming most _Dune_ fans are middle-aged white straight men, although I know they won’t make up the whole fan base. 

I’m so overwhelmed. 

While I was watching the trailer for the first time my body was shaking. I hope no one noticed. I squeezed my hands together, trying to stop a panic attack and trying not to vomit because what am I doing? Me, carrying this? I can’t carry this.

After they released the trailer I turned both of my phones off for three hours. I was scared that the phones would explode, or something, from the messages I was getting - including messages from people who knew me in middle school pretending they want to know me. I do not know how they got my number. 

They don’t want to know Timmy, though. They want to tell their friends they went to school with Timothée Chalamet just so they can look cool.

People are telling me how amazing _Dune_ looks, but I don’t dare read the comments. They tell me it’ll be my big break, how the Oscars might not snub sci-fi nominations like they often do, and might hand me the Oscar for it. 

It might flop.

I don’t know what I’m more scared of.

The fan accounts worship me and that scares me, too, because I’m still a fan and I know how you can get so caught up in idolizing someone. You forget that the person you glorify is no god at all. They’re just human. I’m human. I make mistakes and I fuck up and I’m scared I’m not allowed to be human, because the minute you show the world you’re human, you get cancelled. Cancel culture is so toxic.

Since Cabo (I swore to myself I’d never bring that up again, ever) I dare not make even the smallest mistake. That’s why I pose for photos with fans who take their masks off, because if I ask them to keep it on, I’ll come across as demanding. Even though we’re in a fucking pandemic. Even though you have to wear a mask here.

Budapest was a nightmare, too. I thought I was going to get crushed when those people were swarming me just for autographs and photos. I almost had a panic attack in the crowd. I get anxious enough as it is, even when there’s no pandemic. They waited for me outside the hotel, too, and even though I had a stomach ache and just wanted to sleep, I still signed autographs. 

Mom suggested if I feel overwhelmed, I see a therapist. I already have one, mom. I’m on the phone to her every single week.

Part of me wants to disappear from the spotlight and just move to Paris, get a mundane job and hang out with Pauline. I mean, there’s a chance the pandemic will fuck up my career anyway. 

_Dune_ is so relevant to this world we’re stuck in. Paul has to learn to adapt to a world that’s inhabitable, and he manages it. I’m learning to adapt, too. I’m not as scared as I was of getting sick at the beginning. I didn’t leave my apartment for weeks and forgot to eat, and mom broke the quarantine to feed me. I got angry at her in case I made her sick, even though I’d had so many covid tests.

Just like Paul had to get used to stillsuits, I’m used to face masks. I no longer feel like I’ll have panic attacks in them. Although the other day, I was trying to talk to someone in the store and they couldn’t hear me. They told me they were partially deaf and couldn’t understand what I was saying. I thought I’d messed my French up somehow. We ended up using a pen and paper.

Paul’s also not actually a hero. Well, he is in the first book, but if you read beyond the first book, you’ll find out he’s not really. Frank Herbert had a fantastic message, not to trust heroes. We think heroes are perfect. We think actors are perfect, and when they fuck up, we get upset and rush to cancel them without giving them the chance to grow. The truth is we all change. We fuck up, we move on, we grow.

Only three people in the world know just how scared I am of this. Pauline, Armie, and Saoirse. I haven’t even told my therapist about it because I’m scared I’ll come across as a brat or something. People think I’m ready, but I’m just an emotional mess most of the damn time. And anyway, is anyone ever ready for some blockbuster movie that might change their life forever? No, I don’t think anyone is. Maybe it’s OK to feel like this. I am, after all, just a messy human.

**Author's Note:**

> as someone who's partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, face masks are a nightmare lmao. thank the android gods for live transcribe omg.
> 
> but they are still important !!!! wear your damn face masks!!!! and wear them properly ffs!


End file.
